I was thinking of the years I’ve wasted waiting for screens to update with attention and contact opportunities with people out there- out of my head.

Penpals first of course. Those aren’t screens and I could kick myself for purging some of the correspondence I had. I’d look in music mags and they’d have sections for penpal hookups based on bands- Cure, Siouxsie- and I wrote to the best people. Jon Kapshaw in Elmira, where are you?

Usenet was first 1993–98?
IRC 1994ish-1998ish?
Listservs based on interest- still do those
AOL Groups
Yahoo Groups
Forums on blogs, Salon
LiveJournal (always my favorite home)
Deadjournal (briefly)
Facebook (bloody…

I have been a fan of Fran Leibowitz since I was in high school and happened upon her book “Metropolitan Stories”. I liked her tone; though it was critical and, to me, classist, it was a form of escape out of an environment that I didn’t feel comfortable in. I loved her wit and firm world view, and honesty even if the logic was insensitive and flawed. So, recently I binged “Pretend it’s a City” on Netflix and rekindled that affection for her. One thing that struck me was that she carved her own life using her voice. Yes, she…

Coming upon 6 years ago, we took a leap of faith that included selling our adorable home (with a yard, a garage, neighbors I knew…) and moved 5 hours to the Carolinas so I could work in a better job. My spouse, the actual breadwinner, left his job and never was able to find a replacement. I became the breadwinner with a modest income and we slipped from lower-middle class to upper-working class.

We went from a townhouse that was awful to a house that was affordable but needs a lot of work that we can’t do.

The job I…

My heart has been buried behind a lot of trees. I felt comfort and safe breathing secrets into the bark and leaves, letting them know how much of myself I would give for the opportunity to love someone so beautiful and chosen and stark. I felt like I was a tool proving their worth while acknowledging mine. Or, maybe I was just shy and processing the concepts of cool, of leagues, classes and classification, standards, tastes, chemistry, aesthetics, physics, tradition, fate.

I have watered many a tree with my humiliation and cowardice, with the blood of cruel assassinations and the…

I should be writing. I know I should be writing.

There is nothing else I can give the world, really. I take in all the music and the lines and colors and flavors that fill the day, but I just feel kind of dead inside. I do love, but it almost feels robotic. My youth is gone and I can’t drink from possibilities- the math just isn’t there. All I have to touch dreams is writing, and I feel defeated by lack of skill and inertia. And some blob of fear that I can’t quite describe. I can’t concentrate or…

So last week I realized I was down to my last bit of anxiety meds. On the weekend, I realized that CVS wasn’t going to auto refill because my doctor needed to approve it. So, I haven’t taken them the past 2 days. For a while last summer I was completely off of them due to no insurance and this was a bad thing. This time it is 2 days, and I am just sick of everyone today with a wild flurry of activity in my brain. Here’s the view:

Coming in to work, I tripped on a rug and…

I’m not going to arrange singing stones around myself and talk about the journey. It took noticing that a commentor on a thread was a student at the university I went to and worked for to trace the fact that I can’t really account for the last 20 years of my life. Child, you’re learning about something I taught in…. 2009. Child, you’re interested in the content I studied… in 2000. Child, I am a big fat nobody making 32K supporting a family of 3 and hoping no one gets sick while I am taught how to fill out forms…

I have announced a retirement prematurely despite myself and my hatred of flouncing. And drama, and attention whoring and fishing- yeah, all that. I did evaluate my life somewhat and realize some ugly things, but treatments can be experimental and change, why can’t I change my perspective?

A while back, Facebook was called out for doing something we all knew they did- sell our profiles to ads for direct marketing opportunities. I have searched for something in google and then have seen the ad in FB. I have liked one site and then seen ads or invites for something along…

This is what headlines tell me along with the callous, flippant, and intentionally ignorant or arrogant celebration of the ability to handle a tool whose only function is harm.

Here we stifle the tired car and knife metaphors, the trogs invited to emerge from the depth of the cave for a moment.

I can be walking anywhere and someone with the means can and might kill me like a fallen leaf. Or maybe it is intentional because i’m fat or look like their ex-wife. Sure, accidents happen, there are no guarantees, but easy access to weapons, especially those that are…

Many superheros live among us in mild-mannered mundane personae: a Clark Kent, a Diana Prince. By day I am an administrative associate or some other title for secretary for a higher ed institution and by night an adjunct instructor. After 8 hours under the eye of a time-clock, following state policies, invoicing, problem-solving and mostly presence, I put on my cape and perform edutainment for 3 audiences, and another online. I am grateful for these things because last spring I lost my day job, and benefits, and cannot rely on the need for a masked marvel.

My entrance into higher…

Saint Maura of the Tides

Type B Philosopher, Quasi-writer and academic mercenary.

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